Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

One day I recieved a letter from grandma...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...
Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times." "Three times!? how did it happen?" he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?" "Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan? "It is hard to believe," he said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."

She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?" "Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?" "Yes," he said, "that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?"

She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Temple president... and needed 23 more votes?"


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"

Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."

She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"

The husband replies," Well, why don't you just hold its little nose!"


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

The old woman fainted.


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table." "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. The biggest tool in the shed.

12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Bright as Alaska in December.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.

24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. He's so dense light bends around him.

27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. One neuron short of a synapse.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
__________________________________________

Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ?

Little Johnny : " He gets stepped on. "

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."


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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Pls visit our blog @ MakesYouLaugh