Dexus's Joke Thread   |
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 Replies: 564 — Last Post Nov. 9 1:52pm by Dexus
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( Dexus )
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Black Lacy Panties Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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Blank black
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Fucking genius, I needed this today.
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Nobody ever loses their memory.
It just gets locked away like the mad woman in the attic.
Occasionally you hear her scream,
But you don't dare unlock the door and look in.
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( Dexus )
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." Post edited at 9:19 am on Sep. 2, 2008 by Dexus
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( Dexus )
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Two Shags instead of One One day Andy goes to vist his Irish friend Bill, who has recently broken one of his legs. While sitting and talking, Bill asks if Andy can run upstairs and get him his pair of slippers. When Andy goes upstairs, he accidentally walks into the wrong bedroom, and finds Bill's twin daughters sitting the bed. Thinking quickly, Andy says to the girls, "Hey, your father sent me up here to shag you both." "Fuck off you pervert," yells one of the twins in response. "Here, I'll prove it to you," says Andy. He turns and shouts in the direction of the stairs, "Both of them?" "Of course," Bill replies. "What's the use of fookin' one?!"
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( Dexus )
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Old Man on a Porch An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire. The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?" The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire! I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it." The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all bound up in chicken wire. The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying several rolls of tape. The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?" The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape. I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it." The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with duck tape?" The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape. The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with that stick?" The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow." The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."
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( Dexus )
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Police Emergency This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he`d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don`t have to worry about them now because I`ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you`d shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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( Dexus )
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The Pepsi Theory ... A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
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( Dexus )
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Lawyers.. Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer..... In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
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( Dexus )
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The Strong Young Man The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
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You're holding my heart, screaming
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Post from this position was omitted due to content violations
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Fucking genius, I needed this today. 
