Dexus's Joke Thread   |
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 Replies: 565 — Last Post Dec. 22, 2008 7:41am by buffered
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candygirl05
Soothsayer
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Nice jokes - as ever!
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"We can't stop here, this is Bat Country!"
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Bcoolbyte
Dairy Product Addict
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Thanks for the jokes Dex,they have brightened up my days! Congrats on your recently new job.
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When the going gets tough, the tough
gets on his harley and rides into the sunset.
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN!!! One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.* MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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Telephone Bill
Thanks to...whoever sent me me this in an email. The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting. Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.
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LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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Workers Wishes A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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Golf and Cows A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
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Midnight Frost
Connoisseur
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Wow I'm going to be following this thread for a while. Great stuff!
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All hope was fading... a darkness far beyond their might
But love came crusading on the wings of healing sacrifice
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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Dear Abby Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed.... Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Thanks, Bob
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You're holding my heart, screaming
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( Dexus )
Omnipotent One
Patron
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Backseat driver A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he says, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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You're holding my heart, screaming
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Crap, with my birthday I forgot about posting jokes! 
