When I was younger, for the year that I was ten years old I was sexually abused on a weekly basis. My boyfriend knows about this and therefore understood that my recent bumping into my abuser put me off sex and although we've had the odd tiff about it he's been very sweet about it all. I am not a virgin but I haven't yet slept with my boyfriend. I'm 15 and he's 18 and he's told me he has slept with 3 girls; two on a holiday with his friends when he was 16 and one at a music festival last year, which is incidentally where he is now but that's irrelevant.  

Now this trip he went on when he was 16 was organised by a Jewish youth movement and so I know a few people he went with. Our mutual friend and I were discussing this and he said to me "but Andrew's a virgin   " and I said no, he lost his virginity on the tour you went on. Sam, our friend, asked me to tell him what Andrew had told me so I did, that he got very drunk and ended up sleeping with an American and a Londoner that were staying at their hotel and Sam said that on no point of the tour did any of them manage to get hold of alcohol and that they all saw the American girls and Londoners but didn't get the courage to speak to them. Sam also went to the music festival last year and had a tent right next to Andrew and said he saw no girl. This would make him a virgin.

I'm wondering if I should bring it up.

I'm now ready to sleep with my boyfriend, it has been 7 months since I saw my abuser and I have dealt with it. And Andrew has been trying to make me more and more comfortable with it and the other night, it very, very nearly happened, but just as he was about to enter me, he went soft. So I asked him what was wrong and he said "the truth is I'm nervous. I've never done this... sober." I would tell him to get drunk but he won't without me and it's best for me to stay away from alcohol.

How do I make him more comfortable and the sex more special, and I apologise for how long this is.

Post edited at 6:22 pm on Aug. 21, 2008 by Anonymous

The fact is that if he actually slept with someone or not that's something you need to ask him personally. This must be confronted before it get's worst. You can't expect to have a relationship based on lies. The sooner you talk to him about it the better. If not it will annoy you in the future. It can still be worked out now. Just ask him. He might get mad for a while but if he really loves you he'll realize that he can trust you. There's nothing to hide, right?

He might be lying because he's embarrased about being a virgin or something like that. Truth is that there's lot's of possibilities but none of them will be the truth until you ask some questions. I'm sure you don't like being in this situation; leaving your mind wondering and making assumptions. It's just not healthy. Trust, communication, compromise is something really important in a relationship and you won't earn it if you don't work hard.

He seems like a good guy for being understanding and all but after all you being through you need to be able to take as much time as needed and to know the truth. You need to give that to yourself. Obviously you are a strong young girl and I congratulate you for that! but I suggest you to keep your eyes open and find out what you are getting yourself into. Don't rush things, 5 months isn't a lot and sex doesn't need to be always a requisite if you are not ready.

Do what you feel like doing but stay truth to yourself. Don't pressure things they'll work themselves somehow or another. Perhaps the reason you are having sex issues with him is a incentive to talk some things out.

Good Luck!


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And, so this Christmas?