Hello, I'd like to start off by introducing myself. I am Adrian, and I'm sixteen years old. I normally don't message people when they post in the serious forum. However, I noticed your topic was unanswered. The reason I wished to sent you a message was because the way you describe how you feel, made me remember how I used to feel.
I want you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way. However, cutting is not the way to stop feeling such emotional pain. The physical pain of cutting will only distract you from your emotional pain for only so long. I cut myself for about 2 years before I realized that it solved nothing besides distracting me for a few minutes. At first it may seems appealing because it's "helping" you, but all it's really doing is keeping you in the same emotional state and creating scars on your arms. Seventh through 8th grade, I thought about suicide constantly. I wished strongly for life to end, but I was too scared to actually do it myself. Instead I hoped to be hit by a car or shot and killed. I was lucky for that not to happen, and so far so are you. The way I see it - why kill yourself now when you're going to die later? Try enjoying life to its fullest. Perhaps you can try drawing your pain? Or writing it down? Making new friends? Whenever you feel mad, sad, or extremely depressed, why not pick up a book which can calm you down, so that afterward you can calmly think over what has happened. I've adapted many hobbies to keep me from getting depressed and thinking about the past. I know you won't like to hear it, but move on and let the past go. I'm not saying to forget it. I want you to remember, learn from it, and not to make the same mistake twice. Even though you say you feel nothing, I can notice how much you want help and how sad and depressed it is making you because you don't know how or what to do.
As I said before, suicide is not the answer. Please, continue living with hope for a better tomorrow. You are so young and have so much potential in this screwed up world - don't just throw it all away. You may be extremely depressed at this point in your life, but there is a chance for it to get better. This friend of yours that happened to deeply hurt you, I suggest not getting too lose. Even though it may seem like she's changed, there's a chance that she may have not. Also, it seems that her presence just keeps reminding you of why you're depressed and keeping you from getting better. Now, I'm not saying to completely avoid her, but perhaps you shouldn't spend as much time as you spent with her before. Or try taking it in little steps, learn to trust her little by little rather than just becoming friends again automatically. She may not have realized what she has done to you - I know you don't want to talk to her about it, but I suggest you do. It seems that it's bothering you greatly, and you can at least just ASK why she treated you the way she did. Maybe understanding why she did whatever she did will help you moved on and look forward to the future. Right now you may feel that you cannot love someone, but you'll most likely meet someone who will change your mind - I sure as hell thought I wouldn't be able to love anyone until I met a very great person this year who taught me how to love and not be afraid of being loved in return, and even though we're not together and whatever, we're great friends and I wouldn't change that for the world.
As I suggested before, you at least NEED to ask because it seems that her presence AND not knowing is what's keeping you in such a depressed state. Not knowing seems to be keeping you from being happy. Self injury is also not the problem. It only distracts you from the emotional pain and keeps you in that same emotional pain longer. I doubt you want to stay depressed longer. There is such a thing as moving on. Move on, remember the past, learn from it so you don't repeat it again, and be happy. By accepting what she did and forgiving her, you'll be able to move forward and be happy with yourself. Even if you chose for her to be your friend again, it does seem that her presence reminds you of what happened to make you sad. However, if you choose not to talk to her because you're protecting her from pain, you are a great person.
You say you don't care for anything, but it seems you do care - a lot, too. You don't want to talk to her because you don't want to hurt her or remind her of what's happened. I think that you're just confused right now. You just need time and someone to talk to you to figure out your feelings.
I offer myself to you. You can PM whenever you wish if you ever need anything to talk about. I'd be willing to listen, and attempt to help you out with whatever I can. You may think that I don't care, but I do, which is why I wrote such a long reply.
