Hm. Sounds like you need something to do to occupy your time! See i get depressed, and start thinking WAY too much when i'm, basically, bored. And from the sound of it, you have a bunch on your shoulders. From your Grandparents deaths, to wanting to succeed in your education. Seems like you're stuck in a rut, and you don't know what to do.
Well, i'm kind of in that same spot. Just out of high school. My parents and close relatives all have horrible health, 3 of which in the hospital, and 1 with alzheimers. The only thing keeping me sane (relatively, har har) is my job. It's the only thing that i can go away from everything, and just totally loose my mind in, and be safe about it.
That's what i think you need to do. I think you need to find SOMETHING, anything, to indulge in. Whether it be a job, or some sort of group/club/organization. Something to make you feel wanted.
Hell, even church would work. Personally, i aint a religious guy. But i can see how it would make someone feel wanted and appreciated.
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Off the hillbilly hook, off the redneck chain!
Sustainer